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Though he determined it is a tumor of sorts, he was quite adamant that it was not cancerous or affecting any major organs. Whew! In a few months I will go back to get my "new mass of mystery" checked out and then determine if an ultrasound and biopsy are needed. Well certainly that was good news. However, I have been on a journey of frustration and brokenness. Why would God allow something else to be wrong with my body! Of course the doctors have determined there is nothing physically wrong with me as to why we have not been able to get pregnant...but something new! I have been praying for a baby bump and instead God gives me an abdomen lump! It was as if a dark cloud was sitting over my head even as the Lord was using me to do so much ministry writing, teaching, and counseling.
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Paul's words reverberated in my heart, "When I am weak, you are strong!" I think the Lord is trying to teach me a few incredible messages about suffering. I wanted to share those with you this morning.
First, God has done ministry through me, but it is based on His sufficiency, not my capability. He isn't concerned about making K.J. Nally praised. He is concerned about making His name known to the nations and using His precious children as vessels to die to themselves and live for Him! Honestly, I am weak right now...yet He is doing incredible work for His Name! Lesson number one: Life is all for His glory! And most times suffering keeps us humble and reliant on His power, not our own.
Second, I've realized suffering cannot be experienced retrospectively. Sure some understanding can come in retrospection, but not experience. The burden of suffering is when you're in the moment of feeling abandoned, lost in the pit of darkness, or drowning in sorrow. It is that moment when you don't feel like calling out to the Lord or being encouraged by friends with Scripture, that you need God most! And He promises never to leave us (Psalm 13). So, in my tears of frustration, my beloved husband has done what I needed most, he has washed me in the Word, reading Scripture over me, praying with me, and listening...until my tears stopped and truth once again budded in my heart. In James it says, "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the victor's crown, the life God has promised to those who love him." I want to cling on God's strength to endure my trials and overcome the quitting points...because I know my reward is the crown of life! More is at stake than my immediate happiness/contentment. Lesson number two: Perseverance is pushing on in trust and belief even when you are weary and ready to give up! I will not lose trust in my God! He is good no matter what...for His glory and my best!
Third, just as in the Garden of Eden when God asked Adam and Eve to trust Him when they didn't understand His request not to eat from the tree of good and evil, He is asking us to trust Him when we don't understand. God did not give Adam and Eve full disclosure in the Garden as to what would happen if they ate from the Tree. He simply said, "you will die." Satan manipulated God's words to Eve and told her God was trying to withhold something good from her...ultimately questioning God's character of goodness and love. Though Dustin and I desire to be parents and raise children to love and passionately pursue the only True God, He is asking us to trust Him even when we don't understand this long wait or new burdens. Lesson number three: When times come when I don't understand what God s doing, will I trust him because I know the truth that He is good, sovereign, and loving...or will I, like Adam and Eve, doubt God's character and lose faith! I am choosing today to trust!
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We are praying that the Lord would continue to guide every step we take. Our greatest desire is to honor our Savior King! Despite suffering, unfulfilled desires, and moments of distrust because God isn't answering on our terms (so silly...He is God!); we are passionately running after Him. We look forward to beginning the adoption process just as soon as we move to where he wants Dustin to pastor a church (and me a help-mate pastor's wife!) Perhaps we'll adopt one, two, three, or four all at once! hah! And as for physical "stuff" please pray the Lord heals my "lumpy" body and that one day He will open my womb (Ps. 113:9). Again, I enjoy sharing our struggles. My prayer is that at least someone is encouraged by the truth God is revealing to me...and honestly, we don't need one more "perfect Facebook family" jading our lives! God is good all the time...and in every situation! So whatever you are going through...don't lose hope!
