Full Heart...FULL Arms!

Last year I wrote a blog post on Mother's Day, titled, "Empty Arms, Full Heart". This year, I stand in awe of the Lord, with a very full heart and full arms. I have waited for this day for what seems like forever. Maybe at 30, it seems like a long time...but starring into the eyes of my precious son, the wait was worth every second of empty arms. 

Baby Dedication at Church!!

Approaching this day, I had multiple moments of tears as I held Jaden anticipating Sunday's Baby Dedication. God was truly allowing ME the opportunity to raise a child in His image...for His glory. As Dustin and I stood on the church stage dedicating Jaden in front of our church family, the tears came swiftly with overflowing joy of what this day means! I've already been Jaden's mama for six months, really over a year if we count the pregnancy. But, in my arms, held tight...six months! Today however, was a milestone and the day I will never forget. This was the day everyone who saw me said, "Happy MOTHER's Day." And, "What a beautiful SON you have." IT is official...today I was among the mothers and I was blessed with my perfect son (Ps. 113:9). Today, God filled my heart so full with His goodness, I overflowed with tears. And Today, Dustin and I dedicated to the Lord everything we are to raise Jaden to know HIM, for every day of our lives.

Now, our prayer is...God please use this child to bring you glory and honor; however, you choose. And selfishly...may he and we have long lives to see great work accomplished for you!

I cried as my heart was SO full dedicating our CHOSEN son!

Since you clicked on this post, I'm still not sure if I'm really allowed to post pictures since the adoption hasn't finalized yet (waiting on court stuff)....but I will share some pictures with you anyway! Call me defiant, whatever! This Mama is ready to show off her gorgeous son! These are from Jaden's baby dedication!!

And a couple I took in our front yard!

PRAISE THE LORD! 

Arms Full! And...Heart, oh so FULL!

A Building of Faith: Personal God Moments

"I have faith in God that it will happen as he told me." These are the words of the Apostle Paul in Acts while sailing with a crew of over 200 men. Paul was being taken to Rome to stand trial before Caeser for crimes he was accused of, but did not commit. As the crew sailed from Caesarea to Rome they were nearly killed by the voyage. BUT, one night, Paul was given a vision by God...that if all men would stay aboard the ship, no matter how the circumstances looked, God would bring them all safely to their desired destination. There would be difficulty along the way, even a few surprise stops, but they ALL made it safely to Rome. God's words stood true.

I share that story from Paul's experience, because it is my shared journey this morning. Honestly, the words the Lord specifically wanted me to hear! And I am amazed. I want to share something I have only shared with my husband and a very few others...

We live in a culture that has basically smothered out our God and His power. Sadly, the church often is made up of a bunch of people doing work in their own power. Though we may not voice it...many of us believe God has stopped speaking to us and rarely does miracles that can't be explained away by medicine or science.

Ashamed... I am often one of those voices. Too focused on my own dire circumstance or blinded by my fears to see that God is mighty, to hear what He has said will be, and to believe the miracles He is doing.

My Story: God has Spoken
When Dustin and I were first married, I began writing the book now titled, Absorbed. I was sitting on our bed doing my Bible study, Dustin had already left for work. In those quiet moments the Lord spoke to me. In the stillness he reminded me of His words when I was in 10th grade..."to glorify him through marriage and family ministry and writing." Then He told me to write Absorbed..."if you do not, I will call someone else to write it." I felt like Jonah being called to the Ninevites. Not me, Lord. I'm ill-equipped and have no idea what to say. God just said, write. And I knew that meant He would direct my path. So I wrote...and now eight years later, this book is set to publish this summer or fall. God had spoken.

The morning Dustin and I were to go to the OB to get an ultrasound of our baby in 2011, I sat quietly doing my Bible study. In the stillness, I heard, "First will come trial." What? I tried to dismiss it as fears...even fears friends told me would never happen to my baby. But, I had a strange sense it was the Spirit God speaking. We arrived at the doctor to see our baby...and many of you know the story. That day we were told Lil' Bean would not make it to our arms. He would die. That began a great, great trial. Though my Lord prepared my heart, it didn't make the loss any easier. But, God had spoken.

In the days mourning the loss of our first baby, in the strangest way (which I need to go back and find where I wrote it in my prayer journal), I felt the Lord again speak to me. This time He quietly told me we would have a baby in 2014. I definitely tucked that one in my heart...first because every month I prayed we were pregnant and secondly, because why would that year be anything of significance? I know Acts 17:24-27, that says: 
“The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands. ²⁵ And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else. ²⁶ From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. ²⁷ God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us.

 I knew God had the exact times for when we were to be parents, because those children were to be in this world at the perfect, God-ordained time. However, hearing a specific year seemed strange. Months went by and I was still not pregnant. March 2014 went by...I knew that was the last month I could get pregnant to have a child born in 2014. We have always had adoption on our hearts from the day we married and had already started the process of a homestudy. But, time was ticking and I was becoming confused at what I thought was God's promise to me.

July 18th we got the phone call...our baby boy would be born the middle of November 2014. This blew me away. God's word was coming true...even though at the time it sounded so far away and I thought it strange. Our Jaden was born November 5, 2014.

Early in the adoption process, the Lord told me to Trust Him to bring our baby boy home. 

From the very day we received the call, God settled my heart to decorate the nursery in a nautical theme. Ships and the ocean. I just thought it was cute and pretty...but God knew that this would be a difficult journey, one with stormy days rocked by our circumstances. We needed a constant reminder of His words. Without ever knowing we were having a boy or that the nursery was themed nautical, a friend felt God told her to buy me a sailboat bib for our baby. She said she couldn't leave the store (she tried twice) because God kept telling her to buy it for me. The day I learned about her feeling God tell her to get the bib, was the day we thought the adoption would fall through. A simple bib reminded me of God's promise...to trust Him to bring Jaden home through this storm. That same Sunday, our church family prayed over us, Jaden, and the fears with the adoption. A beautiful friend at church came the next week with a painting. She went home and asked the Lord how she could encourage us. God said to paint. She had no idea of our nursery theme or the words the Lord had already spoken to me. When I looked at the painting, I gasped and then cried in sheer amazement at the Lord's love for me, His child.

She explained that she didn't know why God told her to paint this scene, but she felt she must be obedient. She felt the Lord tell her to paint a picture of a stormy nautical scene. Through fog and haze the houses and people on the shore can barely be made out, even so the lighthouse keeps shinning as a beacon of hope to guide those lost at sea. The Lord gave her this vision to encourage us to pray in faith and “Believe that God has already answered.” Through our confusion of those circumstances making the adoption all but impossible, God encouraged us not to lose hope, but trust His guidance, “our Lighthouse.” God is working in our lives, our baby’s life, his birth parents’ lives, and countless others…even with the fog of uncertainty, He will bring our baby safely home.

When we left for Georgia for Jaden's birth the Lord spoke to me again. This time after we frantically ran around the house, throwing things in the truck to leave (Jaden came a week early). I sat in the quiet in the truck driving the (insanely long) 7 hours to the hospital. My heart was in awe about to meet my promised and chosen son (born at the appointed time in history). In the stillness, God said, "No matter how the circumstances looked, remember, I will bring Jaden safely home. Trust Me." As I mentioned earlier the passage the Lord brought me to this morning... Paul had faith that God would bring them all safely to their desired destination. Though there would be difficulty along the way, even a few surprise stops, they ALL made it safely to Rome. God's words were true. As the storms have come with this adoption...fears of losing Jaden and even now, uncertain legal matters with this very complicated case. I must cling to the words of the Lord. Every time I have heard Him speak to me, His words have stood true. I am tired of the anxiety and fears, the loss of control of the storms.

Today I want to shout in faith that my God is faithful... And I like Paul say, "I have faith in God that it will happen as he told me."

I can't wait to share with you the story of Jaden and our adoption. I must wait until the legal matters are done. But, I know sharing His story is coming...SOON!

Thank you for the prayers and the encouragement to continue trusting in our Lord!

Adoption Update... Praises and Pleas

I realize it has been over three months since I've last written a post. Certainly life has been filled with incredible joys, One in particular! I am now busy taking care of this precious one, a house, and working on two new books! But also, I hesitated writing because I wanted to share joyful news and share Jaden's story and pictures with the world, instead of another long post on the legal issues and a plea for prayers on our behalf! We are tired of the waiting. If anyone reading this has adopted...please shoot me some encouragement! 

Here's the update: We celebrated the most amazing (angel) baby's two months of life on January 5th! Crazy how time flies. He is honestly so calm, content, and adorable he will make it hard on future brothers and sisters to live up to his standard!! At this point in the adoption we really thought we would be further ahead. It's hard to trust our attorneys who said "they'll take care of everything" when we've seen such slow progress. Or perhaps SLOW is just part of the adoption process!! The birth mom is wonderful. She is so thankful for us and this adoption...she even sent Jaden a Christmas present and sent us a card. The Lord is doing a lot in her life. Unfortunately, the biological father has gone missing again. Long story short: a month ago he was adamant that he would consent to the adoption, which we were thrilled. But, after a month has gone by he has still not sent the paperwork to the attorney...and now cannot be reached on his phone. So we still have that and the nationality issues to work through (need approval from the Indian Tribe). There are so many fears that run through my mind I am constantly, moment by moment, giving the fears and Jaden back over to the Lord. It is so hard to imagine that God loves Jaden more than me...but I know He does. So, please pray that God intervenes with the bio dad and gets him to consent, that the tribe's approval is just a simple document that needs signed, and that my weary heart would trust my Father!

This may just be our first adoption, but the Lord has taught us so much already.

1) Adoption is more a spiritual battle for an eternal soul than simply giving a child a better home life! As I look in Jaden's eyes I can't help but think of all the Lord will do with this little man's future for His kingdom. A future that could have been very bleak! Of course, Jaden and I talk daily about his future...and what profession he will have one day and I tell him, "Sweet boy, whether businessman, pastor, missionary, or mechanic...all your daddy and I want for you is for you to love the Lord above all else. And let Him direct your footsteps so you bring Him the most glory." But, honestly, I think the Lord has amazing plans for this precious boy's life...

2) Adoption is the closest to the Heart of God we will ever get. I know everyone feels "it" when they have a child...the most intense LOVE that you could ever imagine. It's true. The love I have for Jaden is like nothing I've ever experienced. And don't misunderstand me...I LOVE my husband. Dustin is my best friend, my lover, my greatest gift here on earth. But the intimate love for my husband is different than this protective, all-consuming love for my son. Both overwhelm me...just very different. There is no closer love than what our Father feels for us, because we are His adopted children through Jesus!! Not illegitimate children, but 100% HIS...in His family and given His inheritance! Which leads me to my third lesson.

3) Loving an adopted child is NO DIFFERENT than having a biological child!! And this one gets me worked up! I feel like I birthed Jaden. The legal stuff all seems strange and out of place. I do not think the government or even the church understands this point. I think this is hard for many people to understand unless you have an adopted child or have a family member that is adopted...and have experienced how much they are just a part of your family as anyone born into it by blood. Since Dustin and I waited so long for children and Jaden is such a miracle... the transition to parenthood has been incredibly easy...and so filled with love for our SON. Our perfectly chosen son. After a miscarriage and years of desiring to get pregnant...now, I don't care if I ever have a biological child. Because Jaden is certainly of me and Dustin...a product of our love. The only reasons I would want to have a biological child is to see what a mush of Dustin and I would look like and so the watching world doesn't believe we only adopted as a PLAN B because we could not have our "own!" Jaden is Plan A!!! And he is ours. If the government understood this we would have no fears of unjust court cases. If the church understood this...

4) The Church must fulfill God's command to care for widows and orphans. I don't think Compassion International or sending monthly donations to a ministry was in the mind of the Father when Paul wrote, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress" (James 1:27). Not that those ministries are bad...they're incredible. But, why are there over 100,000 children ready for adoption in our foster care system!! Why are there hundreds of thousands of children worldwide needing adopted??! Where is the church? Comfortable! I say it is too easy to just have biological children. (Says the woman who miscarried and hasn't been able to get pregnant again though everything is physical fine). If simple biology were God's mission, than all of us Gentiles would not be part of His family. Family is a beautiful picture of the Gospel...perhaps not all are called to adopt, but more Christian families should look like God's family...many colors and many nationalities!

5) Every moment of every day I will have to give over control of my children's lives. Adoption just makes this very clear. With adoption you don't birth a child and then take her home to parent as you wish. You go to the hospital and birth a child out of the love of your heart, not womb, after having trusted another woman to physically care for your child for 9 months. Then after a period of time you are allowed to go home where you have social workers notate your parenting ideas, trust attorneys to find your case important enough to put to the top of the paper stack, and wait on the courts to approve that this child (your child) is legally your son or daughter! So much is out of our control. A newborn and sleepless nights...that's easy! Adoption is so much an emotional roller coaster. Certainly, at times all I can do is snuggle Jaden, cry, praise the Lord and plead with Him for his life. But, I realize this is good training to be a great parent. A great parent loves her child wildly, trains him in the Word, and has open hands to allow the Lord to take him on His adventure (even if that means missions to the ends of the earth!)

There's probably much more I could say...but my sleeping prince is starting to wake from his peaceful nap. Lord, please allow Dustin and I to wake up one day and have our dreams answered that Jaden, our precious son, is officially and legally our son.

Thank you all for praying with us...praising the Father for our miraculous son and pleading with Him to finalize this adoption. May the Lord do mighty work through our lives, Jaden's life, and future sons and daughters!