Waiting on God...This Process is a Whirlwind!

This picture is from college (look how young Dustin looks...I look the same! right?!). I thought this picture captured the way these last few weeks have felt.

What a whirlwind Dustin and I have been on the last few weeks. After realizing the waitressing job I was doing was not only not providing much money (like $30 a shift) and not conducive to our preferred schedule (I realized I would have to work nights to make any money...been there, done that...not interested in having an opposite schedule as Dustin again! YUK!)--I quit. I began substituting at three local Christian Schools, which has been an absolute blast. I know mom, I should have listened to you months ago...it's a perfect fit for our schedules and all my writing!! I get to edit my book while I "work." So, basically my work is hanging out with super fun teenagers, telling them about why they should choose to flourish in Christ now (I take 5 minutes of their class time...shhh), and work on my writing! Awesome day. Well, I'll let you know after today...subbing elementary school for the first time. SCARY! I love kids...love 'um. But, subbing all day...in one room...starring at me to entertain them...ALL DAY! Yikes. Prayers are coveted!

About three weeks ago I had the awesome privilege to go back to the school I love and miss--Grace Christian, where I used to be a teacher. Some of our good friends who I used to teach with just adopted a precious baby boy after years of waiting for him! Since I was near their house (about an hour away from where we live), I set up a time so I could come by and see their baby after school. My friend gave me the address to meet her. She let me know she would be late, but her husband and pastor would be there. When I got there, I talked to her husband (who I used to work with) and their pastor for a little while. Realizing that we were also in the adoption process, the pastor asked if we would be interested in adopting two sisters, blond hair blue-eyed girls who were 6 and 4--absolutely beautiful. WOW! After much prayer and overwhelming feelings we were like...BRING IT ON!! 

So, we contacted some people, got a lot of information, and fell in love in two weeks. We were already verbally restructuring our lives, rearranging the furniture, planning out the girl's room, and planning to buy a new car. Then we actually talked to the social work on the case...

There is no possible way for us to adopt these girls. None. Yesterday was a hard day hearing this news. We cried and got our hearts broken again. So I say...Praise the Lord. Seriously, I am praising Him with joy. This whirlwind has taught me two things.

First, since this process of waiting has been years of heartbreak and confusion, my heart easily grows cold. If I don't allow the excitement of possibilities to come in...I can't get hurt. If I don't hope...hope can't be dashed. It's sad, really. I fight it and ask the Lord for a soft heart, but sometimes the hardness wins. Falling in love with these two little girls who will never know us has been a refreshment to my cold heart. IT STILL WORKS! So, I learned that when the Lord does allow us to be parents, I will be able to radically, sacrificially love our kids. With adoption, sometimes the question comes...will I be able to love children that aren't of my womb as much? YES! Thank you Lord for the renewed stirrings in my heart, squashing those fears.

Secondly, I learned the beauty of again trusting my perfect, sovereign God that infinitely loves me! I had so much joy yesterday...given by Him in my moment of grief. My friend that just adopted a baby said to me, "There is no door that God can't open, and no door that can be opened that God closes." What truth. Another friend told me yesterday, "You know you don't want anything that God doesn't want for you." Another truth. Distrust is a sin I battle. The Lord again refreshed me yesterday. Again I fully surrendered our children to Him. We still wait eagerly...but with soft, trusting hearts!!

"Truly my soul waiteth upon God; from Him cometh my salvation." First we wait on God for salvation. Then we learn that salvation is only to bring us to God, and teach us to wait on Him. Then we find what is better still, that waiting on God is itself the highest salvation. It is the ascribing to Him the glory of being All; it is the experiencing that He is All to us" (WAITING ON GOD by Andrew Murray). 

This book is already kicking my tail...in a fabulous way!

How can people live without a REAL God who unconditionally loves them and sovereignly guides their life for their best and His Glory! 

Oh, I love my God this morning so much!! 

In other News:

1. Our kitty almost died from a urinary blockage Monday (He's okay for now...)

2. My book is finished, endorsed, and ready to submit to the Publisher!!! 

3. We graduate from seminary in less than two months!! 

4. We started our awesome garden...with the help of all the neighborhood kids! (What can I say, our house is the petting zoo, outdoor adventure land!)