A Heartbreaking Cycle

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.--Isaiah 55:8-9

This is a passage I have known for many years, but often forget it's practical application. For Dustin and I, the journey of having a baby has been a hard terrain to travel. It has been 2 years and 4 months now...still no baby to hold. One year ago today I surprised my husband with news he was going to by a daddy....

Thursday Date Night
January 27, 2011
Dustin would be home from work any minute. I rushed around the house getting ready for our date night. I heard his truck pull in the drive way, my heart was pounding in my chest. We greeted each other with a kiss and I grabbed his briefcase as he went into the bedroom to change into jeans before we left. Since he was tired from a long day at work, I offered to drive to dinner. As we chatted in the truck about the day, instead of driving to the restaurant I parked the truck at the seminary and asked Dustin to follow me. “I have a little surprise for you,” I said as I took his hand and led him along the sidewalk leading to the mission’s building on campus. We stood in the center of the building, surrounded by stained glass pictures of people from all around the world impacted by the Gospel of Jesus Christ. “Yesterday you told me your mission’s professor said, ‘Missions begins in the home and goes out from there,’” I recalled to Dustin. “Well, I have something for you.” I handed Dustin a paper that read:

Once upon a time there was a beautiful lady…And a handsome gentleman. They went away on a weekend getaway that was filled was fun and love. Yes, they loved each other very passionately indeed!

Dustin, I was thinking of ways to make this night very special for you. You are my favorite! You are everything I could ever ask for in a husband… you are my immeasurably more. What a godly husband you are, and I know, will continue to grow into.

It seems though, in my plans to make tonight special to show you how much I love you, God had different plans…

When I told you earlier today I had a surprise for you, you said… “It better be something very small.”

Please open part one of your surprise…the rest of the gift will come later.

And they all lived Happily Ever After!

As he opened his gift that was wrapped in layers of green tissue paper, he asked, “Did you plan for us to go on a mission trip!” He opened it and starred. It was my positive pregnancy test. We stood there hugging and crying. We were thrilled. The surprise was very small. We were going to have a baby! He was so small we called him our Lil’ Bean.
__________

So, praise the Lord we did get to experience the joy of finding out we were going to be parents. We got to experience the dreams of a growing family. And even if only for a short time, I got to experience what is was like to be pregnant: highly emotional, strange dreams, going the bathroom 52 times a day, and eating every 5 minutes!

But, it was short...too short. Every month is a reminder of what could have been. Every month is a reminder of "not this month." Every month is a challenge to trust in the Lord's best and perfect timing. So, we cling to the truth of who God is--our loving Father who cherishes us so much He would give His ONLY SON to die in our place so that we could be grafted into His Family. He is our strong provider that even though we may not understand why having a baby is not best for us now, He knows and is giving us exactly what we need for this time.

This cycle is a heartbreaking cycle: a dream that we hope for every month that sadly after 28 times has never come true. But you know...that is okay. Better than okay...it is best. May we cling to His Truth that His ways are higher and better than our ways. Please pray for us to trust in Him even as the months slip away. And please pray, that if it is God's best, we would be parents one day.